the kindness of others

The Golden Rule do unto others as you would have others do unto you came from the Scriptures from the Sermon on the Mount.  Religion set aside, this is true for all beings.  Treat people with kindness if you yourself would like to be treated kind.

I have doubted this often as my kindness has not always been met in like.  However, as a good human, I keep on with it because at the end of the day, if I am not kind, I am hurting myself more than I am hurting anyone else.  I know this.

Sometimes kindness means terminating a relationship that is not mutually beneficial.  Setting boundaries on what behaviours you will accept is kindness to the self.  It can also translate into kindness for the other person to understand that certain behaviours are not acceptable.  Whether or not those lessons are learned is up to the individual.  Check out today’s (July 28) entry in Marc Alain’s Happiness One Day At A Time.

Sometimes kindness comes from someone unexpected, as it did for me yesterday.  I had a neighbour come to my door after my sixth day in a row of work and provide me with a gift.  This gift brought me to tears.  He told me that he knows how hard I work as a single mother.  We do not socialize much as I tend to keep to my own, but he sees me.  He sees how I work hard and how I interact with my children.  He sees how much I love them, and that I am raising them well.  The gift he offered me was non-negotiable.  Believe me, I protested as it was so unexpected.  In the end, I accepted because this kindness came from a place of love.  It was rooted in the kindness in his heart.  As he talked, I tried to keep my composure; to keep my emotions in check, but I couldn’t.  I had a couple tears escape as he spoke.

They were happy tears but also ones of deep sadness, for if a stranger could see the love I have for my children, the goodness of my heart…why can’t those who used to love me see the same?

Alas, I will continue on.  Because kindness to others is good for my soul too.

perceptions

Life has varied realities.  Perceptions become our truth, so it is important that we are aware of what the realities are.  Do we perceive things in a negative way if we are in a poor frame of mind?  Of course we do.  Do we find the silver lining in problems when we are having a great day?  Sure.

It’s ok to have a bad day; to be depressed or upset about something.  It’s even ok for it to affect how we see things at that moment in time.  But with a critical eye and reflection, we may find that things were not exactly the way they appeared at that particular time.  These are good reasons to take time in responding to people when we don’t feel balanced.  Knee jerk reactions can cause us to say things that perhaps we don’t really mean (let’s face it…that employee stocking the produce didn’t need to be lashed out at for not having any cilantro, now did they?).  We can say things we regret, hurt people we care about, and even destroy relationships.

Take time to process your feelings.  Journal your day and find areas of gratitude to record, however small they may be.  Let your raw emotions out there and leave it on the page.  Have a warm cup of tea, burn incense or enjoy a bath with some calming aromatherapy blends.

Take care of yourself.

And remember: just because you’ve had a bad day doesn’t mean it’s a bad life.  Tomorrow is always a fresh new start.

 

there is beauty everywhere

Time can take its toll.  People can wear us down.  Stress can break us.  Life can be challenging.  I have taken a leave from my weekly entries for good cause, but in the past few weeks, I have felt the urge to begin sharing once again.

Yes, time can take its toll.  We can race the clock, or watch it seemingly tick in place as we wait for the workday to end.  Time can also go far too quickly when in the presence of someone who understands you almost as well as you understand yourself.  You look back and realize that days, weeks or even months have disappeared in the blink of an eye.

People can and do wear us down; however, the right people in your life will energize us and lift us higher than we have known before.  The key is to surround yourself with people who inspire you to be a better person every single day.

Stress can break us.  But, the Japanese have a term that seems fitting here: kintsukuroi, which means “to repair with gold”.  When we fill the cracks in ourselves caused by the stress of life, we become more beautiful because we are imperfect.  Acknowledge and embrace that which is part of us – the imperfect and broken pieces of us, so that others too can appreciate and enjoy the beauty that can come out of the stress we are put under.

Someone reminded me of a favourite quote of mine today: In a world where you can be anything, be kind.  We are all fighting our own battles with demons unknown to others.  Be someone’s light.  See their cracked shell in all its glory.  Be the reason someone’s day flew by.  Be a good human.  You may never know how much your actions may help another person to make it through one more day.

lessons learned from a weekend in the mountains

Living day to day isn’t much different than spending a long weekend hiking in the mountains; it’s just a matter of perspective. As I went along the trails, a few things had come to light for me.

1. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you should do today.

2. Be open minded. It gives you many more great experiences to share if you do.

3. Take your time. It’s ok to be slow; just keep moving upward.

4. Do or not do, there is no try. Thanks Yoda, it’s cliché, but at the same time holds much truth.

5. Sometimes it hurts. Keep going because it’s definitely worth it.

6. Every step forward is positive. Don’t lose momentum.

7. Savour every moment. They are all fleeting.

8. Find your happiness. There are meadows of happy little critters everywhere. Look for the one that brings you joy.

9. The accomplishment will only propel you forward. Never forget how good that first one felt.

10. The first summit is only the beginning.

Find your motivation and keep going.

all you need is love and a dog

Love comes in many forms.  Romantic, platonic, family, pets, and any other version you can think of.  Many things I do in my life now are the result of love.  I tend to my children with motherly love to give them the safe place they need to grow into the amazing humans they are.  I spend time with my friends and cultivate those relationships, being mindful to ensure they know that they are loved and appreciated.  And pets, well…it’s nearly impossible to not show a pet they are loved in my household, especially when they so easily give that love right back to you.

Love is a necessity for growth, no matter who or where you are.  Love is one of those undeniable components that change life from survival mode to allowing one to flourish.  Just as humans need a certain amount of hugs to survive versus to thrive, this is just another version of showing our love for one another.

Growing up and well in through the two decades that I was married, I found saying the words I love you to be very forced and painful.  It seemed as if I didn’t really know how to say those words and truly feel the meaning of them.  I know there is a lot of psychology and background history there that really isn’t something I care to delve into, but there came a time when I was going through my divorce that I discovered what love really is, and I felt as if I had never truly allowed love into my heart until that point.  The interesting part is that it wasn’t a romantic love that changed me; it was the love of my true friends who stood with me and helped me through the divorce.  They were the ones who showed me what love is and how to embrace those around me.  I listened and I learned.  I paid attention to their actions and saw how easy it was for them to give a piece of themselves to me.  Somehow my heart softened and I could feel real love for the first time.  I realized that real love didn’t have to be painful; it didn’t have to hurt.  Real love comes without consequence, constraints or ultimatums.  Real love just is.

Now that I know how love actually feels, it is easy for me to give that love freely to those near me.  I can say those words now and truly mean them, and I do.  My friends and family hear them routinely, and assuredly, they come straight from my heart.  Don’t underestimate what can happen in a year.  These changes happened over the course of the last six years, and I am a completely different person today than I was then.  I owe a good deal of that change to those who stood with me and those who cried with me, and I reciprocate the love that I received from those dear friends right back and without reservation.

do nothing

One of the things that I have noticed as I get older is how much I value having simplicity in my life.  I value a quiet existence.

When I was younger and eager, I had grander plans for my career.  I set myself up for a workaholic lifestyle.  I was no stranger to this; my father did the same, and even now, he still continues to do so even though he should maybe be enjoying his retirement years.  I worked hard, worked extra on my own hours assuming that this is what life was supposed to be, and at some point I would be rewarded with all the fruits of my labor.

It took a couple of decades (plus some) to realize that this is not the life I wanted.  I did what I thought I was supposed to do, then at the end of every night I would crash into bed for a couple hours of sleep only to rise again early the next morning and do it all over again.  I was exhausted, fuelled by caffeine and deeply unsatisfied even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

It took a major life event to change all of that for me.  It took a complete upheaval in my personal and even professional life to realize that I was miserable with what I was doing, and looked at how I could change my life to enjoy what I had.  The key was simple.  The key was a simple life.

Your job or your career is only a means to an end.  It does not define you.  It finances your life but it is not who you are.  

Once I looked at it in this way, my personal life began to flourish in ways I never saw before.  I love my personal time now.  I choose what to do with it.  I take classes in what interests me, not what I think will give me more advantages for work.  I create.  I love.  And sometimes, I do nothing.  Doing nothing was a difficult concept to grasp, but now that I have released so many of the career-focused ideals I enforced upon myself, I can now see how wonderful and refreshing doing nothing really can be.  I highly recommend it to anyone.

Enjoy your life.  Relax.  Take time to appreciate things.  Do something for yourself.  You won’t regret it.

going outside your comfort zone

It’s easy in life to get into a routine and keep within that place of ease, where you know exactly what to expect. You can anticipate situations and outcomes and be prepared for them. But what happens when the rug gets pulled out from underneath you?  When life changes suddenly?

Anyone who has followed my blog for a while knows that this has happened to me. Divorce is a rug being ripped out from underneath you and then falling through a hole in the floor under that rug.  

There is a lesson here that I have learned, and continues to be reinforced often. Life is more exciting and interesting (but sometimes frustrating) when you live outside that comfortable life. Five years ago, I would not have done what I have done today. 

Living outside my comfort zone has helped me to grow as an individual. It has helped me discover my independence and has even created an urge within me to continue to do things I would not have considered before. 

Don’t let life pass you by, wishing you had done things.

Do the things. Live. Enjoy. Life outside your bubble is going to give you greater satisfaction, and perhaps you too will discover a little something about yourself that you never knew either. 

lazy summer days

Summer days are meant for doing a certain amount of nothing.  It rarely seems the case these days, as I watch my friends and their children rushing to summer hockey camps, day camps, intensive swimming lessons, and a plethora of other activities to fill their summer days.

What happened to just having nothing to do?  To the days of going to the park and playing, or reading?  What happened to just being a kid?

This isn’t a popular perspective where I live, and I would wager it isn’t where you live either.  These days, everyone needs to be scheduled to the hilt, because if you aren’t busy, you are wasting your time, right?

Wrong.

There is so much benefit in just allowing yourself time to be.  Time to sit and just watch the day go by is so mentally therapeutic!  Being busy does not equal being productive.  This is something I have learned after years of having too much going on in my life.  There is still too much going on, but I am still a work in progress too.  I am officially on holidays for two weeks, and while my time clock may be stalled, work wise, my actions have not.  I still have lists of things I wish to accomplish during my time off, but I know full well that there are too many lists and too little time.  Where do I fit in time for me?

It’s ok to let the dust settle in the corners once in a while, or for the dishes to wait until morning.  We all need to recharge our batteries once in a while so that we can function optimally.  Don’t forget to take time out to relax and do nothing.  There is so much value in just being.

reasons, seasons, lifetimes

It is important to me to remember that we all have our own journey that we must travel, but along the way, we have companions that enter and exit our lives.  Their stay may be long or it may be brief.  It helps me to think about the philosophy of a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  We all have people who, when they left our lives, hurt us in some way.  Others may have passed by quietly, perhaps relatively unknown, yet there is something to be learned from each and every one of them.

There are those who are there for a lifetime.  These may be your siblings, parents, best friends, or even a romantic partner.  These people are meant to be in your life long term.  They can teach you many lessons, just as you can also teach them.  These people grow with you, and they can be some of the most fulfilling relationships you will have.

There are the seasons as well.  People who are there for as long as you need them, or as long as they need you.  Once that passes, ways are parted and each goes along their journey separately.  These types of relationships may end on happy notes, or perhaps not.  Perhaps it was the first relationship after a divorce, where it taught you that you can move on and learn to love again.  Perhaps it was a teacher that you had in school who taught lessons beyond the curriculum about life in general.

Those who are there for a reason may be simple or complex.  Perhaps you are a service provider, and once the service is rendered, the individual goes on their way, perhaps never to cross paths again.  But there are also other relationships that the reason keeps you connected with them for longer.  These reasons are usually lessons to be learned, and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the longer that person is connected to you.  One of the lessons I had learned was to treat everyone with compassion for we do not know what happens in their personal lives.  This comes from my experience of hiding things for over two decades.  The realization that if I can hide many things from those around me on a daily basis, then it is also easy for others to hide similar, or even worse things too.  We do not know all the intricacies that make a person behave how they do.  Compassion is key.  It took me longer to learn that lesson than expected, but along with that one, there were many other very valuable lessons that came from that twenty year reason.  I use that example often as I consider how to manage my interactions with others.  I believe that my compassion and empathy for others are directly relatable to the lesson I learned over those many years.

When you have someone who has exited your life perhaps unexpectedly, consider what purpose they had for you.  What lesson was being taught to you for them to be there?  What lesson did you learn after they were gone?  Can you take that lesson and apply it to your life to make your life a more positive influence on those around you?  Can you make someone else’s life a little bit better?  Because to me, that is what this life is about…being a positive influence on the world around us.

what do we really need?

I was fortunate enough over the past couple weeks to gain some perspective on the philosophy of minimalism.  I spent the better part of a week away, cultivating relationships with family friends.  During this time, I needed to choose what I would do with my down time in the evening.  I brought a couple minor things…a tablet to continue with my writing, some kitchen cotton to crochet some dishcloths-a minimal mental task that keeps my hands busy when I’m feeling tired, and my aromatherapy studies.

During the course of the week I discovered a couple things:  The space I was spending time with was peaceful with minimal items in the room.  It simply allowed the mind to rest.  I spent more time with people, interacting instead of spending time in front of distractions.  The tablet never came out until everyone was settled into their beds.  It was a good exercise in being present.

A valuable lesson came out of this experience for me.  I discovered that even though I hold on to the ideals and philosophies of minimalism, I am still finding that there is a lot of stuff that lives with me in my house.  After returning home, I looked at my house with a refreshed minimalism lens and began going through things to donate or discard as needed.  It was quite satisfying to shred fifteen year old documents, and provide a new home for clothing items that were gently used, or not used at all.  In the kon marie way, these items had served their purpose at the time, and now they needed to be thanked and sent on their way.

I still have a way to go, but it is a journey.  I am still ever grateful for the experience to refresh my determination to live a simple life.