Tag Archives: single parent dating

it’s ok to be alone

Everyone walks a different path.  Some people have a need to be in a partnership, and others tend to go from relationship to relationship searching for whatever it is that they need.  Then there are the other people who seem to do well on their own.  These are interesting people.  They depend on themselves and are content to be alone.

This doesn’t mean they don’t have friends or want to go out and have a good time.  They just don’t have a need to be in a relationship to define themselves or feel complete.  I admire this quality.  And as time goes on, I feel that I fit into this group more and more.  I find I need to weigh the pros and cons of relationships with being single every time someone tries to set me up, or I am asked out on a date.  For the last few years, the single me continues to win.

I used to be afraid of growing old and dying alone.  I don’t fear that any longer.  It seems to me that once you get to know yourself truly as just you without outside influences, it becomes easier to live your life as a single person.

Will I stay single forever?  I don’t have the answer to that, but I know that for now, it feels right to be alone, and that it is perfectly ok.

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character

It amazes me how some people can have two sides.  The one they show you when you are friends or lovers, and the other one.  The ugly one.  The one who does things designed either to be passive aggressive, or perhaps even to deliberately hurt or scar the other person’s reputation.

Why, when in a relationship, do we feel that we can trust individuals, then once the relationship dissolves, fear that the trust imparted will be broken?

Well.  Because it typically is.  When an exboyfriend posts things without permission, when during the relationship, things were shared with the agreement of privacy, this…this is why we fear trust.  Because it happens.  Maybe it’s not the ‘man’ who breaks the privacy bond.  It could be the woman as well… But why?  Why can’t people still respect the relationship that was?  Why tarnish it all with breaking that? With exposing things designed to hurt and offend the other? Things that were shared with the intent of staying with that other person forever.

Vulnerabilities.  When we choose to trust someone, we open up to them.  We become vulnerable.  We hope that our vulnerability is never taken for granted.  To be taken advantage of.  But when it does, it makes us feel like there is nobody in the world whom we can trust.  After all, if you can’t trust a lover, who can you trust?  When you share something as intimate as all the things that can only be shared with someone you feel so close to, when that relationship ends, where does that leave you?  Waiting.  Wondering when those secrets will be exposed.  What trigger will it take for the other person to share all those private things you now wish you had never shared?

Waiting.  Wondering when their morals will slip into the dark and devious realm.  Where their respect for you has not just vanished, but it seems that there is some sense of revenge that needs to be had.  But revenge against what?  When all you have done is loved them and listened to the lies and betrayal.  When you have never questioned or raised your tone to them.

You accepted them for who they were.  The problem is, they were not what you accepted at all.  They were liars.  Cheaters.  Manipulators.  Users.  They wore a disguise to penetrate your fortress, gain insider knowledge, and rip your heart out from the inside out.  Then so much later, they put it on display for the world to see.  Why is this disgraceful behaviour necessary?  Why continue to damage the one who you already took so much from?  The one who never asked for anything more than your love in return, why such hurtful, shameful, harmful displays of aggression?  Perhaps he thinks he can get away with it.  Perhaps he thinks you’ll never find out.  But the world is small.  Connections are everywhere.  The ties get tighter every day, the world is shrinking, and there is no where to hide.

So, let karma take care.  Karma knows what to do.

Meditate.  Chant.  Release the fear, the anxiety, the undeniable hurt.  Put out the energy you need to come back to you.  Be positive.  Release the negative.  Believe in the good that is still out there.  Guard your heart, but still be willing to trust.  Don’t let him break you again.  He was never worth your time.

love is in the air

This weekend I had the joy and pleasure to watch a dear friend get married.  It truly was a joyous occasion for these two seemed so perfectly matched for one another.  I have watched her change and grow into a better person during their courtship and engagement.  He has definitely influenced her in many good ways.  In turn, she has also influenced others with her spirit, grace and behaviour.

Some think that being divorced and weddings don’t mix.  That there is bitterness there, perhaps even a selfish hope that others’ marriages will fail.  Misery loves company.  But I don’t feel this way.  My marriage was built on shaky ground; on the shoulders of one, not both partners.  My marriage wasn’t built from true love, respect, and equality.  I also recognize the difference.  And because I do, this allows me to be genuinely happy for my friend and her new husband.

Marriage can and does work.  And perhaps some day I too may find someone worth marrying.  Someone who does not use me but rather wants to walk side by side through life.  I am still hopeful that one day I will find what my friend found.

healing hearts, broken hearts

I can’t figure myself out sometimes.  I have days where I have complete and total control of everything and it seems that nothing could rattle me.  Then I have other days where I get completely shaken to the core.  I don’t know if I should be angry with myself or consider these feelings to be a blessing.

I have a good heart.  I know I do.  I have compassion and empathy, love even when that love is not reciprocated.  And I have hurt.

I thought maybe by now I would be over him.  That perhaps the sight of his eyes or the smell of his skin would do nothing to me.  I have been angry with him, hurt by him mostly in ways that he knows nothing about, but I have also been loved by him in a way that I have never been loved before.  I suspect this is the key as to why I seemingly cannot let him go.

I have tried to let him go, believe me.  I know he is not an angel or a saint.  I know the pain of not having my feelings reciprocated and the hurt when he sends me images for feedback, knowing full well that the images are of a woman he was seeing romantically, not that that was ever mentioned.  I just know.

But then he will text me, out of the blue.  Sometimes with a purpose, sometimes it seems to be just more of saying, hi, you’ve been on my mind…just thought you ought to know.  I’m guilty of doing the same, but I have restricted myself to only messaging with purpose because if I tell him that I’ve been thinking of him it just leaves me wide open for heartache.

So I don’t.  But I also don’t hesitate to respond to him when he initiates.

My heart is on a rollercoaster.  When he walked into my life, he wasn’t perfect, but I thought he was perfect for me.  I wasn’t ready when he said goodbye.  I’m still not ready and it has been a substantial amount of time since that day.  I go through cycles of healing, hearing from him, seeing him, feeling all those old familiar feelings again, then crashing and having my heart in a million pieces.  I break and then have to dust myself off, pick up a new bottle of crazy glue and attempt to start piecing it back together.

I know he is still hurting too.  Perhaps he still is attached to someone else.  He talks of her all the time.  I suspect his heart is still broken.  But so is mine.

Two tarnished hearts.

This is where he is different.  He can breeze into my life, enjoy an evening or a weekend together, and breeze back out without consequence.  Meanwhile, I am back to where I was the day he said goodbye.  Those efforts of trying to get over him are gone.  The relationship I tried to nurture gets swept away in the ocean current and I give up on that someone new, and he will never ever understand the reasons why.  But this man, he too has no idea because I have not told him that I have tried to move on, that I have tried to see other people.  I think it’s because it simply doesn’t matter when he is there.  Because when he is there, it feels that the rest of the world is gone.  That there are no consequences, that the hurt won’t follow (even though I know full well that it will).

I have heard it all, trust me.  He isn’t worth it, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t know what he gave up, don’t let him do this to you, and on it goes.  Easier said than done.  My heart is still his.  I just don’t know how to get it back for good.

pet people

“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”

This saying has stuck with me from the first day I read it.  How a man treats an animal speaks volumes about the kind of man he is.  I remember one day how a young man was in my house and my puppy was jumping up on him to greet him.  The young man kicked the puppy away.  How does one do that?  It was obvious that the puppy was not being malicious.  She was not biting, growling or nipping.  She was saying ‘hello, welcome!’  Watching this display permanently changed how I viewed this individual.  It was inconceivable to me to be cruel to an animal, and a baby one at that… That to me was inexcusable.

When I look at the dating world, I find myself gravitating towards the pet owners.  If they are good with their animals, can love them and care for them, then maybe they are worth the time to get to know.  I have a theory, that if a man can have a small dog, he likely has a healthy self esteem.  However, those with big and scary dogs, I think those men are hiding something.  Perhaps hiding behind the fear those dogs tend to elicit.  I could be way off base on this one, but knowing the opinions held by my ex-husband, he would only want a big, scary dog, and has in fact made some terrible and negative comments about my dog to our children.  He is an aggressive person, and he wants people to fear him.  Makes sense that if he had one, his dog would take on the same persona.

I dated a man who once had a pug, just like I do.  He was a gentle giant, no need to prove his masculinity, and was comfortable in who he was.  This is the type of thing I am referring to when I think of pet owners.  If your pet tends to speak to who you are as an individual, then perhaps it is worth paying attention to.

What does it say about non-pet owners though?  I don’t think it fair to suggest that they are selfish or ungiving of their time or love.  Perhaps their housing doesn’t allow it, or their worklife could take them out of town for spans of time, making pet ownership as a single person unreasonable.  Maybe they have allergies.  I don’t have an answer to that one, at least not yet.

So, I think for the time being, as I try and navigate my way through single parent dating, I will test out my theories on pet people and see where that leads me.