Yesterday was Remembrance Day here in Canada. As a child, I would go to parade and watch as my father participated. As an adult, I would attend out of honour and duty to those who have served the country and for those who lost their lives during war. It has been ingrained in us that we should consider these people heroes, giving the ultimate sacrifice for their country.
I do not disagree. They did give their lives fighting for what they believed in. I will not take that away from anyone.
What troubles me is that I want peace in the world. I know many people want peace in this world; yet we create things like movies, books, and yes, parades, to glorify war…all in the name of peace. It feels like an oxymoron. I am conflicted.
I, too, once considered a military career. I had trained myself physically for the task, and I truly believed that this was a career path that made sense. Life chose something different for me, and I believe there must have been some universal or divine intervention on that one because I do not know how I would have managed a career such as that with the inner turmoil I feel when it comes to war and fighting other humans.
So, how do we justify the wars and losses of life when we look at a world pining for peace? How can we move forward when we constantly remind ourselves of the conflict that we could not overcome without mercilessly killing other humans? Will our human race ever be able to rise above the seemingly ingrained desire to fight in order to create a harmonious planet?
I did shed tears yesterday, as I often do on the eleventh day of the eleventh month. I shed tears this year because I fear that we will never achieve that balance, globally. Not so long as we have people who are willing and eager to eliminate others because they believe that their way is the right or only way.
We all get into a funk from time to time, don’t we? I did this week. I had some changes occur in my life and I know I wasn’t responding to them in the most positive way. I knew they were coming, it wasn’t as if I was blindsided. I knew. I was just…sad. Sad for the changes because it wasn’t what I was wanting or looking for or even hoping on.
But it happened anyway.
Sometimes change can be difficult, particularly when we do not embrace it. It is ok. We are all allowed to be a little sad, or a little depressed, or in that funk. I think the most important thing to remember is that when we do, we should acknowledge those feelings. Let them be present. Sit with them for a while, then let them pass on their merry way. Without sadness, we do not know happiness. Without the storm, we can’t recognize the calm.
Don’t be sad that it’s over, smile because it happened. Who said that? Dr. Seuss perhaps. It is a good mantra. I will try to not be sad that it is over. I am smiling because it happened. I am pleased to have experienced it all and created the connections I did. Some things are in our lives for a purpose, no matter how short the period is. They are all significant in creating us who we are.
Onwards and upwards.
My own personal challenge was to post a weekly blog post every Sunday for a year (at least). I have been quite good with keeping up with it, but today has been a challenge.
Today is Thanksgiving Sunday here in Canada, and while I do try to be a positive person, I am having a very difficult time with today. It is difficult to be miles away from family on the holidays. And it is even more difficult to say goodbye to your children on Thanksgiving Sunday because they have to go to their father’s house despite where they want to be. To send them off with tears in their eyes because all they really want is to be home is heartbreaking.
As I set out to start this week, I felt as though I had nothing of value to contribute this time. I wondered how could it be that after three weekly posts is it possible that I’m all tapped out?
Well, things do have a way of working out and here we are. This week seemed to focus on wrongdoing and how I could/should approach the issue and the wrongdoer. Without trying to go into too much detail, someone in my recent past has lied to me, and I have discovered proof, tangible proof, that this person has been untrue. I think I knew. No…I did know. I just didn’t want to believe it. I think in my mind I had glazed over all the signs. I chose not to believe that he could be anything less than perfect.
He’s human. He is less than perfect.
But now, I have actual proof that the things I didn’t want to believe are true. So what to do? I could call him out on it. I could be aggressive. I could yell and scream. Would it get my point across? No, likely not.
So I sat and let the anger flow through me. I imagined doing all those things. Then more anger flowed. I was shaking mad, and I could feel hate starting to tug at the seams of my heart. I resented that feeling. I do not want to hate him. I do not want to hate anyone really. But I do feel hurt and a little more broken knowing the truth.
It’s all ok. Now it will allow me to process the information and heal.
I can’t forget what has happened. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I need to learn this lesson and I need to grow from it. Where the challenge lies now is how do I move past this to get to a point where I will be capable of trusting another completely? This was the one person I completely let my guard down with. The one and only person I allowed to know the real me. Even my soon to be exhusband did not truly know who I was because I became who he expected and wanted me to be while the real me was hidden under so many layers of excuses and protective barriers. This man. This man. He was my Prince Charming. Or so I thought. It’s been over for some time now I suppose. I continued to cling on to hope that maybe maybe he would return. And he did, sort of. He’s no Prince Charming though. He’s the frog who promises to become the prince if only I would kiss him, except he was still just the frog no matter how many kisses I gave.
So now that I know all of this not just with my head, but also in my heart and in my soul, what do I do with it all? Of course, I need to, and want to forgive, what next?