Category Archives: single parent dating

it’s ok to be alone

Everyone walks a different path.  Some people have a need to be in a partnership, and others tend to go from relationship to relationship searching for whatever it is that they need.  Then there are the other people who seem to do well on their own.  These are interesting people.  They depend on themselves and are content to be alone.

This doesn’t mean they don’t have friends or want to go out and have a good time.  They just don’t have a need to be in a relationship to define themselves or feel complete.  I admire this quality.  And as time goes on, I feel that I fit into this group more and more.  I find I need to weigh the pros and cons of relationships with being single every time someone tries to set me up, or I am asked out on a date.  For the last few years, the single me continues to win.

I used to be afraid of growing old and dying alone.  I don’t fear that any longer.  It seems to me that once you get to know yourself truly as just you without outside influences, it becomes easier to live your life as a single person.

Will I stay single forever?  I don’t have the answer to that, but I know that for now, it feels right to be alone, and that it is perfectly ok.

happily single

This past week I spent a fair amount of time going back and forth to the library.  I have discovered that you can borrow movies for free!  Now, this isn’t something new, but I have never actually done it myself.  I decided it was a good time to give it a try, what with my decluttering and minimalist outlook.  Plus, I decided that in order to watch the movies, I have to spend at least an hour on my spin bike while watching one.  So not only do I get to watch movies I wanted to see without having to pay for them, I am doing myself some good in the process.

I also borrowed some books for my bedtime reading.  One book I borrowed was a “self-help” book called Unsingle.  Honestly, not worthy of the time it took to read it.  It is basically one girl’s experience of imagining having a boyfriend until one actually showed up.  There’s your cole’s notes version.  One out of five stars.  However, this book is contrary to one of the movies I rented: How to be Single.  Now, this movie starring Rebel Wilson, was hilariously funny at so many times.  It showed the downside of being single when you so desperately want to be in a relationship.  It also showed all the great things about being single as the main character came to terms with her unattached status.

I pondered both sides of things, but in the end, for me I am most decidedly single.  At least unless the right guy comes along.  I’ve had my share of users and abusers.  The narcissist, the self-absorbed, the desperate.  They have all taught me that there is some good in these experiences.  Surely they have shown me what I want to steer clear of if nothing else!

Being single doesn’t mean you have to spend all your time alone either, ladies.  I have developed some wonderful friendships that provide so much happiness!  I have the freedom to be friends with other women and with men…something my ex-husband absolutely would not have “tolerated”.  And I have to say, I love it!  There is no expectation of putting out after an evening out.  No commitment to have to get together every Friday night.  I can do what I want.  Sure, Valentine’s day is coming up.  Guess what?  I have a date and I will be going out.  One of my single girl friends and I have a date with each other, and it will very likely be the best Valentine’s day I will ever have!

So, to those who are sad or feeling depressed because you’re single with the upcoming so-called most romantic day of the year, try and take a look at it from the other side.  You have everything you need inside yourself already.  Take yourself out on a date!  Buy yourself flowers and candy if you like.  Happiness comes from within, never allow someone else to be the reason for your happiness.

Be happily single.

character

It amazes me how some people can have two sides.  The one they show you when you are friends or lovers, and the other one.  The ugly one.  The one who does things designed either to be passive aggressive, or perhaps even to deliberately hurt or scar the other person’s reputation.

Why, when in a relationship, do we feel that we can trust individuals, then once the relationship dissolves, fear that the trust imparted will be broken?

Well.  Because it typically is.  When an exboyfriend posts things without permission, when during the relationship, things were shared with the agreement of privacy, this…this is why we fear trust.  Because it happens.  Maybe it’s not the ‘man’ who breaks the privacy bond.  It could be the woman as well… But why?  Why can’t people still respect the relationship that was?  Why tarnish it all with breaking that? With exposing things designed to hurt and offend the other? Things that were shared with the intent of staying with that other person forever.

Vulnerabilities.  When we choose to trust someone, we open up to them.  We become vulnerable.  We hope that our vulnerability is never taken for granted.  To be taken advantage of.  But when it does, it makes us feel like there is nobody in the world whom we can trust.  After all, if you can’t trust a lover, who can you trust?  When you share something as intimate as all the things that can only be shared with someone you feel so close to, when that relationship ends, where does that leave you?  Waiting.  Wondering when those secrets will be exposed.  What trigger will it take for the other person to share all those private things you now wish you had never shared?

Waiting.  Wondering when their morals will slip into the dark and devious realm.  Where their respect for you has not just vanished, but it seems that there is some sense of revenge that needs to be had.  But revenge against what?  When all you have done is loved them and listened to the lies and betrayal.  When you have never questioned or raised your tone to them.

You accepted them for who they were.  The problem is, they were not what you accepted at all.  They were liars.  Cheaters.  Manipulators.  Users.  They wore a disguise to penetrate your fortress, gain insider knowledge, and rip your heart out from the inside out.  Then so much later, they put it on display for the world to see.  Why is this disgraceful behaviour necessary?  Why continue to damage the one who you already took so much from?  The one who never asked for anything more than your love in return, why such hurtful, shameful, harmful displays of aggression?  Perhaps he thinks he can get away with it.  Perhaps he thinks you’ll never find out.  But the world is small.  Connections are everywhere.  The ties get tighter every day, the world is shrinking, and there is no where to hide.

So, let karma take care.  Karma knows what to do.

Meditate.  Chant.  Release the fear, the anxiety, the undeniable hurt.  Put out the energy you need to come back to you.  Be positive.  Release the negative.  Believe in the good that is still out there.  Guard your heart, but still be willing to trust.  Don’t let him break you again.  He was never worth your time.

love is in the air

This weekend I had the joy and pleasure to watch a dear friend get married.  It truly was a joyous occasion for these two seemed so perfectly matched for one another.  I have watched her change and grow into a better person during their courtship and engagement.  He has definitely influenced her in many good ways.  In turn, she has also influenced others with her spirit, grace and behaviour.

Some think that being divorced and weddings don’t mix.  That there is bitterness there, perhaps even a selfish hope that others’ marriages will fail.  Misery loves company.  But I don’t feel this way.  My marriage was built on shaky ground; on the shoulders of one, not both partners.  My marriage wasn’t built from true love, respect, and equality.  I also recognize the difference.  And because I do, this allows me to be genuinely happy for my friend and her new husband.

Marriage can and does work.  And perhaps some day I too may find someone worth marrying.  Someone who does not use me but rather wants to walk side by side through life.  I am still hopeful that one day I will find what my friend found.

healing hearts, broken hearts

I can’t figure myself out sometimes.  I have days where I have complete and total control of everything and it seems that nothing could rattle me.  Then I have other days where I get completely shaken to the core.  I don’t know if I should be angry with myself or consider these feelings to be a blessing.

I have a good heart.  I know I do.  I have compassion and empathy, love even when that love is not reciprocated.  And I have hurt.

I thought maybe by now I would be over him.  That perhaps the sight of his eyes or the smell of his skin would do nothing to me.  I have been angry with him, hurt by him mostly in ways that he knows nothing about, but I have also been loved by him in a way that I have never been loved before.  I suspect this is the key as to why I seemingly cannot let him go.

I have tried to let him go, believe me.  I know he is not an angel or a saint.  I know the pain of not having my feelings reciprocated and the hurt when he sends me images for feedback, knowing full well that the images are of a woman he was seeing romantically, not that that was ever mentioned.  I just know.

But then he will text me, out of the blue.  Sometimes with a purpose, sometimes it seems to be just more of saying, hi, you’ve been on my mind…just thought you ought to know.  I’m guilty of doing the same, but I have restricted myself to only messaging with purpose because if I tell him that I’ve been thinking of him it just leaves me wide open for heartache.

So I don’t.  But I also don’t hesitate to respond to him when he initiates.

My heart is on a rollercoaster.  When he walked into my life, he wasn’t perfect, but I thought he was perfect for me.  I wasn’t ready when he said goodbye.  I’m still not ready and it has been a substantial amount of time since that day.  I go through cycles of healing, hearing from him, seeing him, feeling all those old familiar feelings again, then crashing and having my heart in a million pieces.  I break and then have to dust myself off, pick up a new bottle of crazy glue and attempt to start piecing it back together.

I know he is still hurting too.  Perhaps he still is attached to someone else.  He talks of her all the time.  I suspect his heart is still broken.  But so is mine.

Two tarnished hearts.

This is where he is different.  He can breeze into my life, enjoy an evening or a weekend together, and breeze back out without consequence.  Meanwhile, I am back to where I was the day he said goodbye.  Those efforts of trying to get over him are gone.  The relationship I tried to nurture gets swept away in the ocean current and I give up on that someone new, and he will never ever understand the reasons why.  But this man, he too has no idea because I have not told him that I have tried to move on, that I have tried to see other people.  I think it’s because it simply doesn’t matter when he is there.  Because when he is there, it feels that the rest of the world is gone.  That there are no consequences, that the hurt won’t follow (even though I know full well that it will).

I have heard it all, trust me.  He isn’t worth it, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t know what he gave up, don’t let him do this to you, and on it goes.  Easier said than done.  My heart is still his.  I just don’t know how to get it back for good.