This has been a challenge of a week. It’s been a week of pondering, and of considering the words spoken to me merely seven days ago, although it feels like it was a lifetime ago.
My father has cancer. The big C.
Huge deal right? Well, my mother had cancer also. She spent a couple years in treatment, and her follow up appointments have all been positive, showing no signs of new growth. All positive. She’s not without her health issues, and the scare we had in summer thankfully was not a malignant tumor but still dangerous in its own right. But I digress.
The words my father spoke left me feeling oddly at ease, even though we still do not know all the details of the severity or chances of survival. I’ve had a good life. I have no regrets. I have done in my life what I aimed to.
Nobody likes to consider life without their loved ones. I am not the exception. My father came back into my life once my marriage fell apart. My ex kept me from having a relationship with my family, so once he was out of the picture, they were there, waiting all those 20 years for me to come back to my senses. I feel like I have just gotten my father back, so of course I have considered life without him once again. I’m not ready for him to go.
My father explained some things to me, and I understand completely. He is not afraid of death, and for the record, nor am I. I do not believe it to be the end of our existence. He has lived the life of his choosing. He has done all the things he has wanted to do, he has no regrets in this life. He has lived a good life, by his standards. He was never rich in monetary ways, but that never mattered to him. He was rich in much better standards. He has a family he loves dearly. He has friends who are family of his choosing that he loves equally as much. He gives from the depth of his heart and would give what he had if it meant someone else could use it more. Don’t get me wrong, my father is not a saint. He is human, and in that, he has made mistakes. He has made some choices that were less than desirable. But in that, he is 100% human and we all know there is no one living on earth that is perfect by any stretch.
So I considered the words he spoke. All week, and likely still will. I know that he will fight for his life should he need to, but if it is meant for him to leave our realm in any short time frame, he will have no regrets. He will not weep for the things he had not yet done. He does live a good life that will be celebrated whenever that time comes. But I still pray that time is not too soon.