I can’t figure myself out sometimes. I have days where I have complete and total control of everything and it seems that nothing could rattle me. Then I have other days where I get completely shaken to the core. I don’t know if I should be angry with myself or consider these feelings to be a blessing.
I have a good heart. I know I do. I have compassion and empathy, love even when that love is not reciprocated. And I have hurt.
I thought maybe by now I would be over him. That perhaps the sight of his eyes or the smell of his skin would do nothing to me. I have been angry with him, hurt by him mostly in ways that he knows nothing about, but I have also been loved by him in a way that I have never been loved before. I suspect this is the key as to why I seemingly cannot let him go.
I have tried to let him go, believe me. I know he is not an angel or a saint. I know the pain of not having my feelings reciprocated and the hurt when he sends me images for feedback, knowing full well that the images are of a woman he was seeing romantically, not that that was ever mentioned. I just know.
But then he will text me, out of the blue. Sometimes with a purpose, sometimes it seems to be just more of saying, hi, you’ve been on my mind…just thought you ought to know. I’m guilty of doing the same, but I have restricted myself to only messaging with purpose because if I tell him that I’ve been thinking of him it just leaves me wide open for heartache.
So I don’t. But I also don’t hesitate to respond to him when he initiates.
My heart is on a rollercoaster. When he walked into my life, he wasn’t perfect, but I thought he was perfect for me. I wasn’t ready when he said goodbye. I’m still not ready and it has been a substantial amount of time since that day. I go through cycles of healing, hearing from him, seeing him, feeling all those old familiar feelings again, then crashing and having my heart in a million pieces. I break and then have to dust myself off, pick up a new bottle of crazy glue and attempt to start piecing it back together.
I know he is still hurting too. Perhaps he still is attached to someone else. He talks of her all the time. I suspect his heart is still broken. But so is mine.
Two tarnished hearts.
This is where he is different. He can breeze into my life, enjoy an evening or a weekend together, and breeze back out without consequence. Meanwhile, I am back to where I was the day he said goodbye. Those efforts of trying to get over him are gone. The relationship I tried to nurture gets swept away in the ocean current and I give up on that someone new, and he will never ever understand the reasons why. But this man, he too has no idea because I have not told him that I have tried to move on, that I have tried to see other people. I think it’s because it simply doesn’t matter when he is there. Because when he is there, it feels that the rest of the world is gone. That there are no consequences, that the hurt won’t follow (even though I know full well that it will).
I have heard it all, trust me. He isn’t worth it, you’re too good for him, he doesn’t know what he gave up, don’t let him do this to you, and on it goes. Easier said than done. My heart is still his. I just don’t know how to get it back for good.